List of Demands about this long awaited game

All the fan boys on this forum must know that we, who were around for many years, are still waiting, on IRC for the MMO we heard about in the dim reaches of time. It has come to our attention that the design of the proposed space ships, as well as the game in general, are severely lacking. The designers appear not to know how to properly ascribe efficient design practices for the space ships and the developers are missing key items in the game in general. Failure of the creators of the 3d models and of the game developer have lead to a serious drop in quality. I am here to set you straight as this cannot continue.

  • Space Toilets: No where in any of these bad designs did anyone make provisions for waste elimination and management. This is unacceptable as I plan on spending many hours admiring the spaceships from my toilet. Has any one of your designers ever even considered toilets? it appears not! No one here even bothered to put in a kitchen.

  • Brothels
    Sometimes a deep space trucker needs to scratch a little itch and sometimes a women just needs to feel fulfilled. This… “game” is just a silly pew pew game unless it caters to all sorts of players. It’s really bad when you cannot be bothered to take care of base, physiological needs like waste elimination but it sure makes me wonder about the puritanical hysteria when you cannot even remember the importance of Rule #34. everything on the internet is about sex. Yet, seemingly sex is missing. I think that brothels are important not only for getting our space rocks off but also for crew moral. I’d hope for at least some server API tools that would link to private /I/Gonewild or some tastefully explicit space yaboos but I suspect because of all the 13 year old fanboys inhabiting this game forum and some sort of nutty ideas about space being "family oriented, that it won’t have brothels. Guys? developers? If GTA can have Hot Coffee, this game should have it too. Now where to have it?

  • Cup Holders:
    Looking at the proposed cockpit art filled my heart with great warmth. Much kudos. But I spit up my well sweetened coffee when I noticed that in no location was there an available cup holder. Do you tell me that a spaceship designer with magic, space rockets, anti-gravity, FTL, shields at his command (and liberally used) cannot be fricken bothered to emplace some cup-holders. Thou shalt not spill on command consoles.

  • Space Skids:
    I’m having fun on my toiletless spaceship, cleaning up my beverage spills on my crappy console without cup-holders when I decide I want to taxi out to Runway 45 and take off. Only, wait a minute! Someone was too lame to put wheels on my undercarriage! This is too much. Because of designer overlap (stupid lack of CDD), I have to call a ground cart with wheels or worse, use my dodgy lift engines to stagger out to the runway so I can blast-ff? Really. Is there a problem with wheels? is it too low tech to use compared to a “square pad”?

  • Space Whales:
    Need I say more? I guess I do. All you pathetic PVP fanboys out there must hate us PVEers who just want to hunt/save the poor defenseless space whales. Or we would if we HAD space whales to hunt/defend. This is an important game play mechanic the developers are depriving us of. The ability to harvest spacewhales of their vital juices that are used in perfumes and oil lamps and of course the high quality consumer meat. On the other hand, you… “developers” are too afraid to consider the important mechanic of space whale defense. I bet it’s because of your sickening links to Japanese Whale hunting. Well guess what? Space whale defense would allow us PVEers to combat the sickos that would harvest the intelligent whales and also to make TV shows. At least no one has a kitchen to prepare their whale steaks.

  • Vertical Launch Systems
    This has been a long standing gripe. I’m sitting at my console and looking at missile launch tubes 1-100 to select out which shots I want to fire but I can’t because the developers lazy thinking is that we are not allowed to have that many launchers. VLS is a Vertical Launch System as currently used by the better parts of the worlds navy. They’re basically hatch covers. If you fanboys knew that, I wouldn’t have to gripe about it. VLS is very important because they remove all the dual rail reloadable launcher BS and the moving models to make them cool. Now I don’t need to dirty up my pretty spaceship with the smooth “cigar” shaped lines with ugly, stupid pokey-out parts. All some designer has to do is draw hatch covers. Listen up! I just saved you lazy designers several hundred triangles! Do I get any recognition?

  • Penis Ships are Proper ships?
    I’m not impressed with most of the space ship designs. They all look like a bad day at a hardware store. Come-on guys. You know what a spaceship is supposed to look like. right? You don’t? that’s because none of you are old enough. ALL spaceships should be cigar shaped with rocket engines in the back, fins in the back, and a sharp nose cone. Not some sort of waffle iron shape. You guys are so bad, you don’t even make them land right. You guessed it. ON THE FINS! You ‘Star Wars’ fans should get out of here and let us, who have seen ‘Battle of the Worlds’ do the heavy lifting of design criteria because those rockets made sense. Instead you give us spaceships with a giant buttload of rockets on a spaceship that could do well with maybe one, if that many! It’s like all you can think of is, "it must look like a box with taped on stick landing gear (with pads) and rocket engines… everywhere! You couldn’t even put on a “heat sink” fin to mollify people like me. Sometimes a cigar is not just a cigar!

That’s it. You guys are put on notice. We brave few, on IRC, are tired of this and we are throwing a collective hissy fit and you’ll rue the day you did not fix this!
You have been warned. ! ! ! !

4 Likes

We ware Stilt Suits brand. No need to run off to the potty to answer that call of nature.

The new Stilt Suits 2,000 has all the pleasure centers mapped! No need to worry about space herpes with this new and fully updated version. It comes with adjustments for male female both nether and several animals! Monitor included!

With the Stilt Suits 2,000 there is no need for coffee cups! There is built in a hot coffee dispenser!
A reminder; coffee beans need to be added otherwise the suit will recycle what it can come up with.

Personally I go for the Jenson brand Caster! It’s part of a missile that explodes with caster wheels connecting themselves to the landing struts! All the new models come with breaks to avoid that embarrassing “I know I left the ship here” feeling.
Warning: placing the correct missile into the correct tube is the responsibility of the pilot.

Space Whales!?! WTF!!! I was led to understand that saving space whales or hunting them is what this game is all about!!!
You obviously missed that.

The panels on the ships open allowing missiles to issue forth from any surface. Another feature of the Jenson missile delivery system.

Depending on were you fall on the Kinsey Scale Jenson Space Products in co-operation with Fisher Body will be announcing the new “Fem-Fatal” designs! One designed to be easily hidden and the other to be seen in all it’s glory!
Note: the second to be sold in twos only.

Note: The designs of the Fem-Fatal were not given to avoid being banned, nor all the functions of the “first” ship.

Not sure if serious or satire…

No, you don’t. Much to my shame, I missed this on my initial skim of your list of ultimata, and was about to rashly lash out at you for such an obvious oversight. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed, and I re-read and finally found reference to this absolutely deal breaking feature.

I wonder why he forgot to add the brothels when he posted(he edited it later).

I for one say we need banana missiles that peel off before hitting the target. The bonus part is that the shell can convey a +2 slippery buff on the opposite ship if it doesn’t have adherent rubber landing gear. :banana:

Sounds like a great mod idea :wink:

It would also help the sense of scale

Guy spends 3½ lines talking about space toilets and you’re still not sure?

It’s obviously serious!

I was thinking the space whales could be some kind of seasonal event… then I realized what you should do for a seasonal event is obviously giant space egg-laying bunnies.

Shame on me for my first thought being “Oh dear, here goes another raving troll.”
Then I read the thing properly.

Shame on you for forgetting cookie dispensers. Possibly oversized ones mounted externally could also be used as bait to lure enemies closer.

Space ponies. We need pet space ponies.

1 Like

Sir, you have never been to space brothels.

Penis ships… Shut up and take my virtual money!

Those ships can only be bought with a special type of real money.